According to Wikipedia, Dr. Benjamin Spock, an activist in the New Left and anti-Vietnam War movements during the ’60s and early ’70s, “was the first pediatrician to study psychoanalysis to try to understand children's needs and family dynamics. His ideas about childcare influenced several generations of parents to be more flexible and affectionate with their children, and to treat them as individuals.”
As a medical doctor who was born in 1923, my dad gave me advice that, looking back at it, was some times kind of clinical, like he was writing out a prescription. He rarely wrote me letters after I left home for college and so whenever I unexpectedly got one in the mail it was something to take very special and serious.
One time, shortly after I moved to Chicago in 1990 (age 26) and was struggling with loneliness and wanting to be in a romantic relationship but not finding one, I got a longish handwritten letter in which my dad advised me, among other things, to see a dermatologist about my adult acne and take a Dale Carnegie course in public speaking to gain confidence and ease of developing acquaintances/friendships.
I was able to get rid of the acne with the help of a facialist at a fancy downtown hair salon a friend recommended, but I never did sign up for Carnegie.
It wasn’t until after my dad died in Oct. 2001, and I was charged with handling the mountains and mountains of paperbacks he had in storage barrels in the basement, that I discovered Carnegie’s perennial classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies.”
A few years later, I read Carnegie’s, “How to Enjoy Your Life and Your Job.” Among the hundreds of gems I highlighted in pink was this great tip: “The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking, so the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”
Carnegie
quotes Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer and once one of America’s great business
leaders, as saying: “People who can put themselves in the place of other
people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about
what the future has in store for them.”
Carnegie
observes, “Looking at the other person’s point of view, and arousing an eager
want for something, is not to be construed as manipulating that person to do
something that is only for your benefit and his or her detriment. Each party
should gain from the negotiation.”
*****
(Below is a related article from my old website,
LisaLeland.com)
In his private family medical practice, my dad had several
paperback books he repeatedly ordered in bulk and gave out to patients.
“The Sugar Blues,” for one, detailed the ill-effects of
consuming sugar. “Super-nutrition” was a guide promoting the value of vitamin
and mineral supplements. “Psycho-cybernetics,” written in 1960 by a famous
plastic surgeon, Maxwell Maltz, offered self-help advice.
Yesterday, in looking for a Bible commentary from my bookshelf, I came across Maltz’ book and felt sentimental enough that I pulled it out for old time’s sake. It’s a book I’ve read at least three times, thoroughly marking it up with pen underlinings and stars and magic-marker highlightings in pink, turquoise and lavender. Little notes to myself in the margins include my ever-popular “This is it!” or “Don’t forget!”
So, for the sake of sharing some really good information
like my dad tried, here are just a few excerpts I’ve found particularly helpful
in my own struggles:
1. “It is not knowledge
of actual inferiority in skill or knowledge which gives us an inferiority
complex and interferes with our living. It is the feeling of inferiority that does this . . . ‘You’ as a personality are not in competition
with any other personality simply because there is not another person on the
face of the earth like you, or in your particular class. You are an individual.
You are unique. You are not ‘like’ any other person and can never become ‘like’
any other person . . . God did not create a standard person and in some way
label that person by saying ‘this is it.’ He made every snowflake individual
and unique . . . Once you see this simple, rather self-evident truth, accept it
and believe it, your inferior feelings will vanish . . . self-realization is
gained by ‘a simple belief in one’s own uniqueness as a human being, a sense of
deep and wide awareness of all people and all things and a feeling of
constructive influencing of others through one’s own personality.’ ”
2. “Often the difference between a successful man and a
failure is not one’s better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to
bet on his ideas, to take a calculated risk—and to act.”
3. “Because modern man does depend almost entirely upon his
forebrain he becomes too careful, too anxious, and to fearful of ‘results,’ and
the advice of Jesus to ‘take no thought for the morrow,’ or of St. Paul to be
‘careful in nothing,’ is regarded as impractical nonsense.
“Yet, this is precisely the advice that William James, dean
of American psychologists, gave us years ago, if we would have only listened to
him. In his little essay, ‘The Gospel of Relaxation,’ he said that modern man
was too tense, too concerned for results, too anxious (this was in 1899), and
that there was a better and easier way. ‘If we wish our trains of ideation and
volition to be copious and varied and effective, we must form the habit of
freeing them from the inhibitive influence of reflection upon them, of egoistic
preoccupation about their results. Such a habit, like other habits, can be
formed . . . When once a decision is
reached and execution is the order of the day, dismiss absolutely all
responsibility and care about the outcome. Unclamp, in a word, your
intellectual and practical machinery, and let it run free; and the service it
will do you will be twice as good.’ ”
4. “Above all, keep in mind, and hammer it home to yourself,
that the key to the matter of whether
you are disturbed or tranquil, fearful or composed, is not the external stimulus, whatever it may be, but your own
response and reaction. Your own response
is what ‘makes’ you feel fearful, anxious, insecure. If you do not respond at
all, but ‘just let the telephone ring,’ it is impossible for you to feel
disturbed, regardless or what is happening around you. ‘Be like the
promontory against which the waves continually break, but it stands firm and
tames the fury of the water around it,’ said Marcus Aurelius.
“The ninety-first Psalm is a vivid picture of a man who
experiences feelings of safety and security in the very midst of terrors of the
night, arrows that fly by day, plagues, intrigues, snares of enemies, danger
(10,000 fall at his side), because he has found the ‘secret place’ within in
his own soul and is unmoved—that is, he does not emotionally react or respond
to the scare ‘bells’ in his environment.”
*****
The Apostle Paul spends a great deal of time in his epistles trying to help Believers put their troubles, difficulties, physical/emotional sufferings, etc., in the proper context.
One of the great passages preachers use to convey Paul’s
overall message on the subject is II Corinthians 4: 15-17: “For all things are for your sakes, that the
abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of
God.
[16] For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
[17] For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
[18] While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
[16] For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
[17] For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
[18] While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
*****
Just a few Sundays ago, as attention was still glued to the
unfolding disaster in Haiti, Jordan pulled out II Cor. 4 for a thorough,
hour-long examination.
He started, though, by reminding us how Paul also
admonishes, “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove
what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
The idea is no matter what trouble comes, while the flesh
might say, ‘Oh, it’s killing me!’, if you’re ‘renewed in the spirit of your
mind’ with the truth of God’s Word about it, you’ll realize, ‘Well, it’s really
not that bad.’
Jordan explains, “The
flesh cries, ‘I don’t think this will ever get over! I see nothing in the
future but misery, pain, agony, despair, deep dark depression,’ and the renewed
mind says, ‘No, it’s just for a moment. What’s 70, 80, 90 years compared to
eternity?’ For our light affliction, which is but for a moment—notice the
next word, WORKS for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.
“You see, the whole perspective on trouble, on suffering, on
difficulty—its meaning has been radically altered. Instead of destroying me,
it’s working for me. Did you ever get fired or laid off from a job? You know
what they do to you? They take you in, they tell you your services are no longer
needed and that the security person will follow you to your work station.
‘Gather up your personal belongings, put them in a box and take them to the
curb.’
“You know why they do that? They don’t want you going back
and sabotaging the company and the work station. There’s a difference between
workers and destroyers.
“ ‘Now,’ Paul says, ‘Here’s a new perspective. A renewed
mind says this has come into my life, not to destroy me, but to be productive.
It works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.’
“Boy, when you see that you saw ‘Wow!’ You know what God’s
done? When God took away the healing program of divine intervention (in
Israel’s Old Testament economy) and replaced it with the dispensation of grace,
He really replaced the healing program with something BETTER!
“Not just to take it away, but to use the suffering; give
some meaning to it, give me something that might let it do something for me NOW
and work for me a far more exceeding eternal weight of glory. That’s talking
about eternity being brighter and better because of the (current) suffering.
“As opposed to
something that comes and steals, it brings gain. It brings the ability for you
to KNOW Him in a way you could never know Him. Trust Him in a way you could
never trust Him. Grow in a way you could never grow without it. And they begin
to work!”
*****
Another huge passage of Paul’s focused on getting people to
see the same reality is Romans 8:18-28. Paul says, "For I
reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared
with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
Jordan says of the passage, “You see, we’re not here in despair, we’re here
in hope. Verse 21 says we’re ‘delivered from the bondage of corruption.’ The
whole creation’s going to be freed from its misery. First, He’s going to deliver
us, then He’s going to deliver all of Creation. He’s going to make a new world for
us to live in. By the way, the world was
made for you, not you for the world.
“When verse 22 says, ‘For we know that the whole creation
groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now,’ travail is a special word
in the Bible. Consistently in Scripture with that word ‘travaileth,’ you’re
reading about the pains of childbirth.
“There’s a big difference between the cry in the oncology
wing at the hospital and the agonizing cry in the birth unit. One is the cry of
death; the other’s the cry of life. One is the pain that takes away; one is the
pain that gives. You follow that?
“That’s the way we
groan today. The type of pain we experience is, ‘He’s doing something in this!
He’s gonna bring life! He’s giving birth to something!’
Ultimately it’s a new heaven and a new earth and a new body for you, but it’s
also ‘a far more exceeding weight of eternal glory’ for your inner man to live
in that body.
“Thoughtless people sometimes mock the idea of ‘groanings
which cannot be uttered’ (Romans 8:26), but you live long enough and you’ll
know about pain that comes into your life that’s so agonizing, and so
paralyzing, and so traumatizing that you can’t even express it in human terms.
“All you can do is just, ‘Aagh-ugh,’ and groan, and Paul
says one of the things the Spirit of God does is He enters in right down to the
depths of your human suffering—right down to the depths of your human need and
He groans together with you.
“That’s the ‘fellowship of his sufferings’ Paul said in
Philippians that he wanted to know about it! It’s possible because He’s entered
into our sufferings. When you’ve bought into that kind of hope; when you’re
really sold on the kind of future that this passage says, you know you don’t
have anything to lose.
“It won’t be hard for
you to be a humble, sacrificing (person who) goes to the hardest places and
lives in the hardest relationships. You got nothing else to lose; just throw
yourself into this mess of a world for service because you’ve got an
inheritance coming! That’s what motivates you.
“If you don’t believe
in that kind of a future, all you got is right now. All you got is your
retirement, or your IPOD, or your big-screen TV, or your new car, or your
buffed-up, fixed-up body.”
*****
Biblically, there are three sources of suffering: One, we
live in a fallen creation. Two, we make bad decisions called sin that have
consequences. Three, as Paul says, ‘All that live godly in Christ Jesus shall
suffer persecution.’
Jordan says, “Every problem you have comes from one of those
three things. There’s some of us who are in Christ by His grace and we abuse it
and we don’t know much about the sufferings that come because of the work of
Christ—we know a lot about the sufferings that come because of our own
stupidity.
“But there’s something God has done for you in His grace
that’s so marvelous that I don’t know how it couldn’t reach out and get a hold
of your heart and captivate it.
“That, in spite of the fact you may know nothing about the
sufferings of Christ, but you know a lot about the sufferings because of your
sin, there are also going to be sufferings in your life that come simply
because God left you here to be an ambassador for Jesus Christ.
“When you got saved, He could have taken you to glory just
that quickly but then there wouldn’t be anybody left here to do the work of the
ministry. So to leave you here, He guarantees you’re going to have some
physical sufferings just because He left you here in a sin-cursed world—just
because He knew there’s the capacity for you to do some dumb, bone-headed
things with your life, and there’s the capacity for you to have the offense of
the Cross work in your life.
“And He’s fixed it so that no matter where those sufferings
come from, even if it’s simply because He left you here and you’ve abused His
grace, yet He’s provided simply because He’s left you here with the dare of
faith and the dare of His grace to cause even those sufferings to work in
eternal glory.
“God is so interested
in the well-being of your future, He’s willing to totally disregard you—your
efforts and your lack of efforts—to reward you. You know what that is? That’s
the grace of God!”
*****
Jordan continues, “There’s an old saying, ‘When in trouble,
remember your eights.’ The Book of Romans ought to be the most important single
book in your life. You ought to master this book. If you haven’t, you need to
start today. Romans 8 is sort of the high point of the book and when you come
to verse 18-25, this is the single most important passage in the Bible about
suffering.
“You need to have this passage in your mind and in your
heart—you need to understand it inside and out. Because when difficulties come
in life, you need some help in going through the suffering and this is the
passage that does it. Whatever the suffering is going to be, this passage
orients you to the meaning—what it means in your life.
“Romans 8:17 says, ‘And if children, then heirs; heirs of
God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may
be also glorified together.’ Do you
realize you’re a joint heir with the Lord Jesus Christ?! When you embrace Him
as your treasure, a treasure above all the treasures of the world (‘for me to
live is Christ’) you’re going to inherit everything He inherits!
“You know what He’s
going to inherit? The whole thing! The universe! People argue, ‘Well, do we
come back to the earth in the Millennium or do we reign in the heavens?’ Has it
dawned on you that the earth is IN the heavens?! I mean, that’s a distinction
without a distinction! Because He’s going to get it all!
“He’s the son of David; He gets Jerusalem. He’s the son of
Abraham; He gets the land. He’s the son of Adam; He gets the earth. He’s the
son of God; He gets the whole she-bang! And I’m gonna inherit it with Him! He’s
my big brother! Joint heirs!
“Then it says, ‘If so be that we suffer with Him that we may
be also glorified together.’ Understand, the pathway to glory beyond this life
is suffering now and when it says, ‘If we suffer with Him,’ you can’t go back
to Calvary and suffer with Him physically or even spiritually.
“He’s talking about if we have the same attitude about
sufferings that He had about sufferings—if we think about it like Him and we
join with Him in His thinking about suffering, and we suffer with Him, then
there’s going to be some glory. There’s going to be some beauty.”
*****
"The biblical definition of the word
'submit' is 'to give your heart over to another person’s will.' Sub is under. You put yourself under
them. You give your heart over to your spouse’s will, for example. That’s the
challenge; that’s the dare of love. It’s the dare of faith. And if you dare to
do it by faith, because God said to do it, you’ve made the decision based upon
the truth of what God’s Word is. My emotions can follow the truth, the
decision, and if they don’t, I’m still doing what’s right."
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